Goodbye.

I have been thinking long and hard, and I am leaving this space once and for all. But don't worry, I just want to make a fresh start! You can find me at my newest home, HERE :)

xx, Kara

Lately.

Lately, my life has been pretty quiet and pretty wonderful. I'm on my second month without social media (other than this blog, which I severely neglect these days ;) and I'm getting rid of my iphone this month in exchange for something a little more simple - aka a phone not a small computer. I really, really like being disconnected from the internet. It's helped me to find other hobbies and to be more present with life and the people in it who mean the most to me.

So what have I been up to? Well...

1. I moved into a new apartment that I am totally obsessed with - large windows overlooking the city, cement floors, and the very best roommate a girl could ever ask for (hooray for awesome boyfriends! ;) Plus I'm saving about $700 per month now that I'm no longer living alone... which means my move out of Richmond will definintly be happening a year from now! I love daydreaming about where I will be next...

2. I finally did something that I've been talking about doing for years now... I got my motorcyle license this weekend! My car died last month, and I would be sad except that now I have the perfect excuse to buy my first bike! I'm already planning road trips with it :) :) :) The class was pretty intense, so I'm proud of myself for sticking with it, working hard, and accomplishing my goal!

3. I've met some really amazing people that are more like family than friends. And it feels incredible to know people who have your back and understand so much about what's really important.

4. I'm signing up for my first pottery class in September!!! I can't wait!!! 

5. And last but not least, I've discovered a hobby that I have in refinishing old furniture and possssssibly building some on my own - more on this later ;)

In short, life has been pretty good to me for the past several months. I feel like I'm finally turning my life around, getting back on track, and becoming the woman that I've always wanted to be. Nothing is holding me back anymore, and life is a bigger adventure than I ever could've imagined!



“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it"

The thing about change is that it takes a very long time. I thought that I had made so many positive changes throughout last year, and trust me I really did, but I am still learning and building and totally re-writing my story. I look at myself today, at this moment in my life, and there are still so many things that I have a desire to strive towards.

Being a people pleaser is difficult, and as I examine myself and who it is that I want to be and how it is that I want to be seen, I've realized that pleasing others is not going to get me on the path that I want. I have to do things for myself, and I can't worry about how that might effect other people. It sounds selfish, but really there is nothing selfish about only putting your heart into things that are true to you. There is nothing selfish about removing yourself from relationships that do not allow the true you to shine and be cherished. So that is what I have been doing lately.

The biggest problem in my life was social media, because in all honesty it was bringing up a whole cloud of negative emotions that I hadn't noticed before. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram became a place where I tried to brag about my relationships and make my life look picture perfect. It also became a place where I noticed that the majority of the people in my life were not real friendships, and with that realization became feelings of betrayal and anger that started fogging up my mind and forcing ugly words and gossip out of my mouth. So I deleted these sites from my phone, stopped checking them at work, and disabled my accounts. What I've found is that I have a whole new outlook on who should be given the label ''friend'' (not everyone is there for you when you think they should be) and more importantly, my life has a whole lot less drama in it and my feelings aren't hurt quite as often.

I like how I'm spending my time much more than I did when I was always checking social media sites. I'm volunteering, focusing more on the relationships that I do have, working out and finding new interests. Simply put: I'm living life rather than writing about it. I like it so much that next month I'm getting rid of my Iphone and trading it in for a more simpler version where I just call or text.

So while it may be extremely hard to change, the process is a journey and I feel like things are getting better (even if they challenge me) each day.

Wishes For My 26th Year

Every birthday I think it's important to take a moment to reflect on my life and come up with a few goals for the following year. I will be 26 years old in 11 days... and the things I have learned this year have been incredible. I can't wait to see what year 26 has to offer :)

1. Get Healthy.

It's become pretty apparent that I need to take care of myself. This is the only body that I've got, and it's going to need to stay healthy so that it can take me on all of the adventures that I want to go on in this lifetime!

I've decided to quit smoking, and so far I'm 9 days strong!

I also want to do more things outdoors. One of my major goals is to visit a different hiking trail at least twice per month. This Spring I also want to go backpacking and camping for several days, which is something I've never done before. I'm ready to get more active and to push my body in new ways.

2. Get Positive.

I have learned a lot about the people in my life this year. When I got divorced, many of my "friends" felt like they needed to choose sides -- and to my surprise, those who were there in the beginning didn't really stick around for the long haul.

At first I got really sad about it, and to be honest I still am at times. It's hard realizing that your friendship wasn't valued and that people can be really judgemental and cruel. But, who really wants people in your life who are only there for you when it's convenient for them? Not me.

I think it's important that I start focusing on the positive. I've been through a lot, learned a million life lessons, and met a lot of different people along the way. I don't have to settle for ''part-time friends'' and if people aren't going to value my friendship then they don't deserve to be a part of my life.

3. Explore.

I love to travel, and I'm finally in the position where I'm with some one who likes to explore just as much as I do. I want to learn how to paddle board, kayak as much as possible, and visit places that I've never been before.

I've never been in a hot air balloon, and I want to experience that this year.

There are so many places that I haven't been, and now is the time to check them out. I'm looking forward to long car trips, and hopefully pulling out my passport at least once this year ;)

4. Create.

I am a very artistic person, but I have been so busy with legal and financial struggles this year that I have put a lot of my creative desires on the back burner.

This year I wrote a short children's book that I would like to illustrate and publish. I'm not interested in making money off of my writing, but I would love to have something to give my future children.

I want to take a pottery class. I've wanted to do this for a few years now, and financially I think this is the year to take that leap. I also want to experiment with jewelry making... and who knows where that will take me!

~

{See previous years here and here!}

i love you.

Sometimes I watch you at night while you are sleeping. I think about all that you have been through and all that you are still going through. I think about the way your smile curls when you're making a joke or thinking of something clever. The way your hand seems to find mine while we are sleeping. The way you've invited me into your world, and how we are learning so much about life together.

I wasn't looking for you, and to be honest I wouldn't have picked you out specifically. I've always been one to keep others at a distance and you make that especially hard. Sometimes that's uncomfortable, but other times it's refreshing. You have changed my whole mentality in a way that is equally frightening as it is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. For once, I am a part of a team - I no longer want to do it all on my own because sharing everything with you is so much more fulfilling. There isn't anything we can't accomplish together.

The thing that I love most about you is how you challenge me. You make me a better person because you expect a lot out of me, you really do. You push me to share my deepest secrets and to talk about feelings that I've kept bottled inside of me for almost forever. When I'm with you, I think about things differently and from all angles. We are so opposite, but it works. You balance me and make me complete. You fill the hole that has been left from all that my past has taken from me. You fill it up to the tippy-top and sometimes I'm so fulfilled that I can hardly breathe.

I have never felt as beautiful as I do now. You see things in me that I've attempted to hide from the world, and you pull them out of me and water them and feed them until they grow into something so wild and so free that they can no longer keep quiet. Sometimes when I'm sleeping, I can hear you whispering how much you love me. Those are my favorite moments, because in those moments there is so much love between us that it's electric. It's in those moments that I feel apart of something bigger; that I don't feel so alone.

It's not all easy, either. When we fight, I can literally feel my heart ripping open. But with each and every tear, my soul is making room for growth. It's in these moments that I continue to learn and to become the person who I am always striving to be. I am so proud of these moments, because we fight fair and we argue out of an undeniable connection to one another. These are the moments where my love for you is over-powering to the point where I realize how much there is to lose, and I remind myself to appreciate each and every second that we have together.

So for all of this, no matter what happens, I thank you. Thank you for giving me hope in the Universe. For teaching me to trust and to let others help me when I need it. For always being there when I need you the most. And simply for being who you are.

Because you are everything I've ever dreamed of, all wrapped into one human being. And until recently, I didn't think a love like ours was possible.

Dear Casey,

“Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life. ”

― Brian Andreas

 

Dear Casey,

 

I wanted to write to you and tell you how much I miss you already. How the world seems a little bit darker since you left, and how things will never be exactly the same as they were before.

 

I still haven't cried. Yes, there have been times when I have been at my desk or alone in my bed and one or two tears have crept out... but mostly I've been holding them in because I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop them once they are released and then my bedroom and then my house and then the whole universe will flood over. I'm afraid that I won't be able to catch my breath, but also that you will see all of this and question what it is that I'm crying for when there is so much to laugh about.

 

It sort of feels like I am in a terrible dream, and I keep pinching my cheeks and forcing my eyes open and trying to wake up... but I can't. I hear your laughter in all of the quiet spaces of my life and deep, deep down in my soul I can still hear your voice and see your smile. I go to that place at least ten times a day, because it is physically painful thinking that there will be no new memories, that you have completed your time here and given all that you can.

 

You lived your life for the moment, and at times this was hard to accept. It was hard, because our world does not typically live and breathe every second of every day. While the rest of us were worrying about deadlines and stressing and forgetting and wishing time would go faster, you were living. You were laughing. You have taught us so much about the important things in life and how healing a smile can be and how much simpler our problems seem when we choose to be happy no matter what.

 

I know that your physical body may be gone, but your spirit is still here among all of us and that you are there every moment shaking your head and trying to get us to understand that life is too short to be so sad. You are trying to help us remember what you have taught us: to have fun and laugh and smile and most of all to do whatever is necessary to avoid missing out on life.

 

So every morning since you left I have taken a moment to breathe in deeply and I stretch my arms to the sky and picture your smile. I remember that we are not guarenteed our next breath. I remember that we only have one shot at life, and that there is no better time than now to start living it. I remember you and all that you have meant to me and every single soul that you have touched.

 

Thank you for teaching me so much about life and so much about how we complicate every little thing and how it doesn't have to be that way. Thank you for reminding me what is important and what isn't. What I should hold onto and what I should let go of. Thank you most of all for always being true to yourself and for showing me that it is possible.

 

I love you and am so unbelievably proud to have known you. I carry your heart in my heart.

 

Kara



things i am learning

I have been a little quiet in this space, mostly because I was on vacation last week and I have been spending more time with important people in my life and less time on the computer. Sometimes it's important to disconnect for a while.

I am an over-thinker. I judge myself so harshly that sometimes it's necessary to take a step back, breathe, and remember to love who I am and what my life has become. Next month I will be 26 years old, and if you were to tell me when I was younger what I would be doing at this moment... I'm not sure I would be happy about it. Then again, what I knew then and what I know now about the world and how it works cannot be compared.

I have always had a plan for my life, and for so long I tried to force that plan to the point where my happiness and well being took a back seat. At this time in my life, I figured that I would be married and that I would have children and I never for a second thought that the real world could be so harsh and money could be such a burden. I never thought that I could fall so hard and that my heavy body would be such a struggle to pick back up. I could never have imagined all that I would learn and all that I continue to learn.

But when I think about what I have accomplished and how I am being molded and formed into a person who does not fit into the old plan that I had for myself, I am slowly learning to appreciate the Universe and where I fit in and where my soul is taking me. I am slowly learning that it's okay to fall down, because as hard as it's been to pull myself back up - it's possible and it's worth it. I have learned that life is a lesson, and the hardest tests often result in the greatest rewards.

The lessons that I have been taught have transformed my way of thinking. I have been hurt, been set aside, been left. But I have also hurt others, pushed them aside, left them. The reality that I have had any part in making some one feel less about themselves has made me realize that we are all just human and we all make mistakes. We hurt each other and speak harshly and sometimes we let hate and fear take over for a while. But these moments are important, because they remind me that we are all connected and we all have the ability to love and to hate - and life is so much happier when you choose to love.

The Universe does not owe me anything more than I have already been given. Life is not fair. Rather than focusing on how broken I have felt at times, I am trying to keep my mind set on the lessons that these struggles have taught me and trying to remember those ugly feelings before I try to push them on others. I have learned so much about standing on my own two feet and even more about leaning on community when necessary.

I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. And more importantly, I like the person that I have become and I am thankful that I do not fit into the box that I placed myself into before. I appreciate everything in my life, good and bad, because my experiences have led me to this very moment - and in this moment, I am happy.